Do you know about - Why Can't I Ever Be Good Enough?
Celebrate Recovery Meetings! Again, for I know. Ready to share new things that are useful. You and your friends.Do you often find yourself reasoning you are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, not loving enough, not disciplined enough, not brave enough, not compassionate enough...fill-in-the-blanks not enough.
What I said. It isn't outcome that the real about Celebrate Recovery Meetings. You see this article for info on what you want to know is Celebrate Recovery Meetings.How is Why Can't I Ever Be Good Enough?
"Not enough" often begins as a straightforward quest to be a best you. At first it feels normal, natural, cheap even. You want to excel, to achieve, to do your best.
But somewhere along the way, the "enough" line in the sand gets moved, and before long you are routinely holding yourself to standards you would never dream of imposing on those colse to you. You wake up each morning, and instead of jumping out of bed feeling inspired and excited, you are battling waves of exhaustion and fear before the day has even begun. And even when success comes your way, you cannot allow yourself to enjoy it, because you are all the time bracing yourself against the next wave of self-disappointment.
Before long it feels like your life is one long hopeless lunge towards the carrot you no longer believe you have any right or capability to catch.
How does this happen? How could our good intentions to be our best get so twisted and tangled?
The foundation is often laid in our early years, long before our brains possess the abstract reasoning abilities to cut off out the negative messages swirling colse to us from our internal assessments of those messages' validity. When those colse to us taste shame, assign blame, externalize anger, or otherwise involve us in their own power struggles with themselves, we come away reasoning their emotions, feelings, and thoughts are our own. They feel inadequate...we are the inadequate one. They struggle with poor body image....we perceive ourselves as "fat" or "ugly." They have a bad day at work....it is our fault for not being "good" enough.
In short, we do not learn well where they end and we begin.
So what is the solution? The simplest acknowledge is found when we survey what happens when person throws a boomerang in our direction. When we catch it, we send the sender - and ourselves - the message that whatever it brings to us is ours. But what happens if we don't choose to catch it? When we refuse to reach out and catch a boomerang, it has no other option but to return back to its sender, and we are freed from the burden of a battle that is not our own.
I used to catch the boomerang every time. I took in each message the world colse to me threw me that I was not adequate as I was, that I needed to prove myself to earn my place, that I needed to change my outsides before my insides would be acceptable, that all my worth was tied up in my accomplishments. When "good" things would happen, I would taste a momentary high, only to be laid so low again when the tide inevitably turned. "Not enough" became my middle name...and in time it was the only name I recognized as my own.
When I entered my own process of recovery, I heard over and over again that "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting dissimilar results." slowly but surely, I learned how to catch myself when I was about to step onto the hamster wheel of "not enough" once again, and I learned that I could back away and head off in a new direction instead...a direction that felt more self-affirming, more self-loving, and more curious in the capability of the journey rather than in arriving at any definite destination.
Since then, I have dedicated my life to the chase of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. I have realized over the years that it simply feels best to be my own friend, to stand on my own side. I have also realized that when I feel best about me, it becomes easier to allow myself to succeed, because my definition of success has changed accordingly.
When I view myself as "enough", regardless of what a single day's events may bring, I allow myself to celebrate even my foibles and fears as the teachers they are, and I hold up hope high in front of my own eyes as the carrot I have already attained.
An Experiential Example: Go Ahead, correlate Yourself
When you read the phrase above, you probably caught yourself saying, "What? correlate myself? But I've been told comparing myself to others is the root of all my problems!"
My acknowledge to this is, "It depends on what you focus on." For instance, what usually happens when we correlate ourselves to others is that we think we are comparing apples to apples as we are focusing on definite areas where we believe we don't part up.
However, we rarely spend any time examining our standards for comparison. Are they realistic? Can the subject of our comparison even meet those standards - in other words, are they even attainable?
So let's take a straightforward example to illustrate the point. You might want to have your journal handy for this exercise.
For part one of the exercise, think of person whom you believe embodies your "physical ideal" - the person you most wish you looked like. Now correlate your own corporal measurements to that person. Spend a few moments dwelling on the differences you perceive between you and the target of your comparison. Notice your inner state, your thoughts and the emotions you are experiencing as you ponder those perceived differences. How do you feel? How willing are you to authentically "go for it" and reach for your own stars while you are experiencing these types of thoughts and emotions? Jot down some notes in your journal.
Next, make a list of all the achievements you are proud of, from early childhood to the gift day. Be sure to list out every accomplishment you can recall - big or small. Now, correlate your list to that of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at age twelve. Consider as you are reviewing your own list of accomplishments to date that, by that time Mozart was twelve years old, he already spoke fifteen languages and had composed numerous major pieces of music, including an opera. Again, spend a few moments dwelling on the differences between your list and Mozart's list of accomplishments. Notice your inner state, your thoughts and the emotions you are experiencing as you ponder those perceived differences. Ask yourself how willing you are to authentically "go for it" and reach for your own stars while you are experiencing these types of thoughts and emotions. How do you feel? Jot down any notes in your journal.
The first time I did this exercise, I felt predictably miserable by the time I reached this point. I was also wondering what the heck the purpose of the practice was - I was perfectly capable of manufacture myself miserable without any extra help, thank you very much!
And that is authentically the point. Let's just say you have believed for quite some time that, if only your outer appearance looked different, or if only your list of accomplishments were longer, you would feel so much best and be so much happier, more successful, and more accepted.
Yet you are wasting so much perfectly valuable power that is gridlocked in just getting you straight through a day bogged down by impossible comparisons - power you could be pouring into your work, your house life, your relationships, and your connection with You. You think the comparisons will help you feel better, do better, be better.
But they are the obstacle - the only obstacle - in your path.
So the query then becomes, "When does it make sense to let those comparisons go, in the name of authentically experiencing that happiness, joy, success, satisfaction, body- and self-love they have been promising to deliver to you one day, some day, when you ultimately part up?"
And the acknowledge is, "now."
Letting go of "not enough" can feel daunting when you are facing down the challenge alone. But help is available. At Southlake Counseling, we know firsthand how painful it feels to live in a constant state of self-disappointment. We understand how distinguished "not enough" can be as a negative motivator. Most importantly, we know that it is potential to break free into "enough" - to learn to love ourselves, our bodies, our relationships, our lives, and ourselves, right where we are, as we are.
If you want to say No to "not enough" and say Yes to life, taste us today at 704.896.7776 or Kkrueger@centerforselfdisocovery.com We look forward to meeting you and celebrating the day you look "not enough" level in the eyes and say "never again!"
Be well,
Kimberly
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