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I remember being pregnant with my daughter. It was a cold winter morning and I was at work with morning sickness.
As I walked out of the john looking pale at best, a colleague put her hand on my shoulder and said, "This is the easiest part. Just wait 'til the baby is born!"
I didn't understand at all. Having never had a baby, I was filled with fantasies of the wonders of parenthood. My blurring must have shown on my face. She went on."One of my babies had colic and I didn't sleep for months on end and now my kids are in my teens - the worry alone is adequate to make me yearn for the simplicity of morning sickness."
The point of her message sunk in as my nausea subsided. I never forgot that conversation.
I asked her at the time why she'd never told me this before... In fact, why no one had. She replied, "No one tells a woman how hard parenting beyond doubt is or she'd never agree to get pregnant. And after all, there are so many good times."
Memories can be golden. And if your adult child is an addict, memories may be the best part of your parenting these days. The baby pictures, the early years, pushing him on a swing, teaching her to ride a bike.
Each act seemingly prominent the child, step-by-step, to their independence, and the parent, bit-by-bit to being able to let go.
But when your child gets sidetracked by drugs and alcohol, the risks of independence and fears of letting go get magnified and bent way out of proportion. It's upsetting to watch a child fail again and again. It's frustrating. It's expensive. It's depleting. It's exasperating. It's frightening. So, risky and addictive teen and young adult behavior often goes hand-in-hand with parents staying parents, not letting go, pulling out all the stops, trying anyone and everything to help their child "launch" a wholesome adulthood.
And of course, the expensive part assumes the parent has resources to help the child with lawyer fees, treatment, assurance co-pays, transportation, apartments, repeated moves, etc.
But what about the parent who doesn't?
Or what about the parent who's been "helping" for four, five, six years, watching their child jump from medicine town to jail to medicine center, who just can't do it anymore or just doesn't want to? Or just doesn't see the possible or the value in sinking anymore time, money, effort, emotion, pain or sorrow into getting their adult child to get sober?
How many times should that parent pay for medicine or bail them out? Of course, there is no one right sass to this question. Some parents sass this inquire by plainly chronic to do so until all of their funds and possessions are depleted.
The Alanon and Naranon rooms are filled with parents who have tried every medicine center, every therapist, every agenda and every lawyer possible, as well as with parents who are still doing so. Some wouldn't have it any other way.
"She is my child. I cannot ignore her need."
"All the money in the world is useless without my house members alive and well. I will fight this disease with every penny I've got."
Others would like to stop playing caretaker, but every time they are ready to, their child convinces them that This time will be the last time and this time everything will be different. But usually, it isn't the last time and everything is the same this time as last.
Still others realize early on that their child's addictive behaviors are an endless money pit that will only take them down with their child. Maybe they saw a brother or sister rob their parents blind and made a promise to themselves that they would never let anyone do that to them.
And of policy there are those, often on the rescue path themselves, either in Alanon for house members or recovering from their own alcohol or drug addiction, who see that they cannot help their child by pouring money at the problem. That the decision to get well will have to be their child's as will the timing.
Regardless of the path the parents take as they watch their child deteriorate as a result of drug and alcohol use, the pain and suffering is enormous. Often, they have less interest in the friends they so enjoyed while their kids were growing up together, for now their own child has taken a path toward destruction, while their friends' kids all seem to be following the path they had hoped their own child would take: from high school to college, and on to a occupation or graduate school and marriage and a family.
"It's just too painful to hear about all of the milestones their kids are taking," shared one client whose child was in her fourth medicine town in just as many years.
"I'd rather just stay home and watch Tv, rather than get together with friends and hear their stories of college applications, and Spring Break," shared someone else whose son had been in prison for rights with intent to sell.
"I'm looking myself celebrating his willingness to do chores in prison while other moms are looking transmit to high school and college graduations, homecoming and proms," said a mom whose son had been in prison for armed robbery in a pharmacy.
There are those who say that every time you help a drug addict get out of a consequence, you are helping to kill them. It is prominent to help a child grow up, and facing consequences is a crucial piece of the puzzle.
Others say, if you don't help your child and he or she dies in prison or on the street, you will never be able to forgive yourself.
The truth is, there is no way of knowing the consequence of your behavior and no matter how much safety you give to any child, there is plainly not a foolproof method of insuring they will make it straight through their young life alive.
And then there are those parents who have 30, 40, and 50 year old children who they are still helping with day-to-day expenses, some of whom, in the throes of addiction, are robbing them on a daily basis. Some, of money and possessions. Others, plainly of their peace of mind.
So when is enough, enough? And how is a parent to know when to pull the plug on helping their child no matter what?
As with every other aspect of parenting, this decision, of when to stop or lower one's parenting involvement is very personal.
Here are some questions to ask yourself. Some thoughts to ponder, and some tips you may want to reconsider as you work toward manufacture your decision. To benefit most powerfully from these questions, thoughts and tips, it is recommended that you take out a piece of paper and sass the questions first before reading the thoughts and tips:
Coaching Questions:
1. What is your motivation for chronic to help your adult child?
2. What results has your help created so far?
3. How much of your helping did your loved one ask you for and how much of it did you offer or even force on your loved one?
4. What level of commitment has your adult child demonstrated for their own recovery?
5. How has your giving affected your own resources? Do you still have adequate saved for your retirement? Are you able to take care of your own health and living expenses?
Coaching Thoughts and Tips on the Above Questions:
• What is your motivation for chronic to help your adult child?
Motivation is a cagey thing. So when you ask yourself your motivation, try to go as deep as you can. Are you doing this for your child or for yourself? Is it about helping them or holding yourself from feeling the pain and fear that inevitably comes when you let go? If you find, as you gawk this question, that much of your helping motivation comes from an attempt to stem your own fear and pain, think again. Is it beyond doubt worth it to keep your child a child just to make yourself feel better?
• What results has your help created so far?
In looking at the results your helping has gleaned thus far, you may feel that if your child is still alive you have been successful. But, if your adult child is still dependent, still leaning on you and struggling, you may be helping too much. While there is no guarantee that letting go will force them to grow up, chronic to hold on most likely will lead to more of the same. So if you are looking for a separate result and what you have been doing is helping your child live life small, it may be time to try something different.
• How much of your helping did your loved one ask you for and how much of it did you offer or even force on your loved one?
When your child has a problem and doesn't ask for your help, do you jump in and offer? Or, do you listen to the problem and let them know you have trust in their own capability to find a viable solution? It's so easy to jump in, so difficult to defer to their own capability to problem solve... Especially when you see your own capability as first-rate to theirs. But you know the old saying: "Good judgment comes from touch which comes from living straight through the results of bad judgment." reconsider giving your child the gift of having the chance to make their own decisions and live with their own consequences. Believe it or not, regularly it is more loving to allow a person to take responsibility for their own life, than it is to jump in and take over.
• What level of commitment has your adult child demonstrated for their own recovery?
When it comes to your adult child's recovery, who is most interested in it: you or them? While it is true that very few addicts wake up one day and say, "Gee, isn't it a lovely day to go into treatment? I think I'll put myself in," on the other hand, very few stay sober when person else is more committed to their rescue than they are! Be aware of the level of commitment your adult child has to their recovery. Be encouraging, supportive and clear about their recovery. But, refrain from nagging and coercing them to go to meetings and do things your way. You Are your addict's best chance at rescue when you focus on your own rescue as a house member and serve as a loving mirror™ to them, not as a dictator of how they should live their life.
• How has your giving affected your own resources? Do you still have adequate saved for your retirement? Are you able to take care of your own health and living expenses?
As you look at your own resources, ask yourself if you are spending money you don't have, or soon will wish you still had, on your child's recovery. Remembering that citizen get clean and sober in their own time, you may want to reconsider your commitment to throwing money at the problem. Regardless of either your adult child gets clean and sober, you will still have bills to pay and food and gas to purchase. But even if money isn't an issue, ask yourself if the money you are spending is doing what you want it to do: getting your child sober. If it is not, maybe you would like to reconsider someone else path, that of allowing your child make his or own way. It is difficult to face that all of the money in the world won't get an addict who isn't ready to stop using get clean or sober. But it won't. And if you don't have much money to begin with, you may want to take care of yourself first and let your son or daughter shape it out for themselves at this point in their journey.
Being the parent of an adult addict or alcoholic is one of life's huge challenges. There are no easy answers along this path, but there are those who have travelled it before you who can help you straight through the more difficult parts of the journey. These helpers can be found in Alanon, Na-ranon, Smart Recovery, harm-less, and other house support groups, as well as in therapist and house rescue coaching offices.
No one has the angle on the market of how to get a child sober. But at a clear point, the parent of an adult child may want to let go and put the focus back on their own life. The journey, long and sometimes hard, can be eased by participation in support groups with other parents who are struggling with the same issues of when and how much to let go of their adult child's struggles.
Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting separate results. For the parent of an adult child who is addicted, trying something separate may be exactly what is needed to turn the dynamic in a house too long assaulted by the debilitating disease of addiction.
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